


Misery

by Siennax3



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23368738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siennax3/pseuds/Siennax3
Summary: What happens when bliss turns to misery?
Relationships: Alfie Solomons & Original Character(s), Alfie Solomons/Original Female Character(s), Alfie Solomons/Reader, Alfie Solomons/You
Comments: 17
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I should be working on a Forrest fic I've been drafting but this happened. I have been listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Under My Skin” so much lately and this came about from a few of the songs. I’m not sure if I want to leave it as it is or add a second part because I’m too much of a sucker for happy endings. Let me know what you guys think! Enjoy xx

Everything had been so full of bliss. You couldn’t have been happier together. It just felt right until it wasn’t. 5 years of blissful happiness that came crumbling down in what seemed an instant.

You knew what you were getting yourself into with a man like Alfie Solomons. In plain words a gangster who was more vicious and dangerous than he was kind, to everyone but you. You saw a different side of him than he let almost anyone else see.

Most thought Alfie didn’t care about anyone but himself and while he led people to believe this it couldn’t be further from the truth. He took care of the Jewish community immensely through such things as donating to various charities for those in need. He took care of those close to him. Like Ollie, regardless of the verbal beatings Alfie gave him, he’d do anything for the boy.

And you knew just how well he could look after someone he loved so deeply. You never asked for expensive material things because that just wasn’t the kind of person you were. That didn’t stop him from gifting you such things when the moment called for it like your birthday, anniversaries and so on.

It was always the little things that made you smile the most. Like when you’d wake up to another bunch of lavender when the last one was all used up from your baths because he knew how much you loved the scent. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t love how the scent mixed with your own.

You loved the life you created with this bear of a man you couldn’t imagine being apart from for any reason. But things changed. Too much for your liking that you started questioning things. Alfie’s work started pulling him away from home more and at first you were okay with that because you knew how important his work was to him. You didn’t agree with the choices he made as far as the lifestyle he led but you had loved the man too much.

_Had._

No, you still loved him, but it was slowly killing you how you barely saw the man anymore. It started with just a day here and there that he didn’t come home for dinner. You wouldn’t see him until midnight if not later. Then it turned into more days of this until some nights he wouldn’t return until well into the morning before waking up a few hours later and heading back to work again.

You approached him a few times about it and how you were missing him. The response was always the same.

_“Pet, you know I miss you too, right? I hate it as much as you, yeah. But, things ‘ave been getting’ busier as of late. If I could control it, I would, right? This won’t last forever, love, I promise.”_

And things would change for a bit and you would see him home more frequently. He really would try. But it gave you false hope thinking everything was getting better only for things to start repeating two weeks later if not less.

The worst sting of all was him missing your birthday. He never missed your birthday and always helped make it the best he could. But he didn’t even come home for it this year. The only indication that he didn’t forget what day it was, was the small box he left on his pillow for you to wake up to. It did nothing but cause the frown on your face to deepen.

You dreamed of a vacation away from Camden Town to Margate where it was just the two of you. Rolling around in bed together or strolling along the beach in the beautiful weather. Anything but the same routine of waiting for your husband to come home and staring at walls that didn’t comfort you.

Being alone so much for months in that big house of yours caused you to eventually hate when he actually was home. You found yourself picking fights with him just because everything frustrated you. Frustrated you so much because you knew he would eventually leave again some hours later and wouldn’t be back until who knows when.

_It was one of those rare nights that Alfie found his way home. Another long day at the bakery and dealing with Tommy Shelby’s nonsense, Alfie just wanted to sleep._

_He crept up the stairs as quietly as he could knowing you were already asleep since it was well past midnight. Alfie wasn’t quiet enough and when he opened the bedroom door you were sitting up to see what the noise was only to find it was your husband._

_You scoffed before laying back down barely even looking at him._

_“Any louder and you’ll wake up all of Camden Town.”_

_“’m sorry, love, didn’t mean to wake you, yeah?” He said as he took off his work clothes as quickly as possible so he could lay in a proper bed for once._

_“Yeah, well you did, didn’t you?”_

_Alfie sighed laying in bed as you moved as far away from him without rolling off the bed._

This is what your relationship had come to. You hated how you were treating him because it truly wasn’t fair to him especially when he didn’t treat you any differently. Even when you spoke so bitterly to him, he still spoke to you and looked at you as if you were the most important thing in the world. It wasn’t fair to him but how was it fair to you that you practically lived all alone except for Cyril who was always there waiting for Alfie with you.

You cried as you thought about what you were going to do once he made an appearance again. It ripped you apart on the inside but how could you do this anymore? You left everything to be with Alfie and now some years later you barely even had him anymore. Maybe it would be better for both of you if you left. He wouldn’t have to worry about you, and you wouldn’t be here wondering if and when you’d see him again just for things to be so cold between you.

It was two days later when Alfie came home. Surprisingly, it was earlier than the usual time he made an appearance. You were just cleaning up your dishes from dinner when he walked into the kitchen to greet you. Your heart stopped and for a moment you almost hesitated. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t keep doing this. Either of you.

“Hi love.” He said tiredly as he moved around the kitchen to grab some dinner.

Wiping the last plate dry, you replied softly, “Hi Fie.” You felt like a monster for what you were about to do.

Alfie sat at the kitchen table digging into his food and looked up as you sat down across from him. He lifted an eyebrow at you as he asked, “Somethin’ wrong, love? You look upset. Did somethin’ happen while I was gone?”

Gone. He was always gone.

The tears started as you opened your mouth. “Fie, I can’t do this anymore.”

His fork hit the plate loudly as he dropped it. The look on his face broke your heart even more. You hated yourself for doing this but how could this keep going on?

“Pet, what ya talkin’ about? What can’t you do anymore?” He asked hoping he was reading this entire situation wrong.

You cried even harder because how could he ask as if he didn’t know?

“Us, Alfie! I can’t keep living in this house sitting and waiting for when you come home. You’re never here anymore and when you are, it’s not enough. You’re gone as fast as you get back.”

Alfie was so quiet. He always had something to say so for him to just sit before you in silence just made this even worse. You knew you were hurting him.

So softly you almost didn’t hear him, Alfie asked, “Don’t ya love me anymore?”

You felt your heart crack.

“Of course, I love you, Fi-”, you tried but Alfie interrupted you.

“Then how can you leave?” He said frantically while slamming his hand on the table causing you to jump.

You didn’t know what else to say.

“I’m sorry, Fie. I just can’t do this anymore. I miss my husband, but you hardly even try anymore.”

“Love, I’ve told you the bakery’s been busier with the more deals we’ve been doing and if I could control it I would. I can tr-“

“Fie, stop. We can’t keep continuing this endless cycle. It’s not fair.” You sobbed.

The look on his face was one you never saw directed at you before. You knew he was hurt and his only way of dealing with it was by anger.

“Alrigh’. You don’t want this anymore, Fine.” He spat as he got up from the table and went for Cyril’s lead.

“What are you doing, Fie?”

He scoffed wishing you would stop calling him that. “Doin’ what I do best, yeah? I’m going back to my office. You want to leave go ‘head. I’m not stoppin’ you.”

You collapsed at the table and cried harder than you ever had in your life.

Just like that he was gone. And so were you only a few days later.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of leaving Alfie

Three years. That’s how long it’s been since you left. And not a day went by where you weren’t reminded of him in some way. Word around town was Alfie became an absolute beast of a man, especially with the men working for him. And there was no one to blame for this but you.

You hadn’t strayed too far from where you shared a home with Alfie. Thinking of leaving Camden Town made your heart ache even more than it already had with the absence of Alfie in your life. Knowing he was, at least, in the same town as you were was almost comforting. _Almost._ Nothing could ever comfort you like he always could.

Thinking back to your life with Alfie especially towards the end, it was like you had been living with a ghost. You knew he was there in the dirty clothes that were piled up some mornings when he actually made it home. In the little notes he’d leave on the kitchen counter for you to find because he didn’t have enough time to wait for you to wake before he was off to the bakery again. In the bundle of flowers, he’d leave by your bedside table every Wednesday just because he knew you loved having pretty things around your home. There were all these little signs letting you know he was there, but you hardly saw him in the flesh. And when you did, you had been horrible to him. An absolute monster. It broke your heart even more when you finally realized he tried in his own way to let you know he loved you and was trying in some way even if it wasn’t exactly what you wanted. But it was too late. You ruined everything by running instead of fighting for your relationship.

Why had you left? This question plagued your thoughts the moment you left your once warm home with Alfie. There was no other reason you could think of other than how unhappy you were. Unhappy because you couldn’t remember the last time you felt his skin against yours. Unhappy because while Cyril was great company, you spent dinners and most nights in bed alone. Unhappy because he wasn’t there to tell you stories about his day or about something else poor Ollie messed up that entertained you so much because Alfie had this way of captivating anyone who listened to his storytelling. And now you missed him more than you ever did before because now you didn’t even get a glimpse of him. Now it was like he never existed at all. Not only were you missing Alfie terribly, but you found yourself always reaching toward the other side of your new bed for Cyril like you used to before.

You gave up so much and for what? What sense had it made to leave him completely and not see him ever again? You had sabotaged yourself and the love of your life thinking in some way it would all be better if you were gone. You left instead of trying even harder to make things better. Now you were stuck with this sadness that stained you blue. So very blue. And there was no going back.

It was another Friday night. At least this one you wouldn’t be spending entirely alone. The girls from work convinced you to join them on their Friday night out to close out the work week. They had been asking for weeks, if not months, now and you felt bad for always turning them down so you thought maybe it would do you some good. What could it harm?

“So, you finally decided to come out with us? It’s about time don’t ya think?” Rachel asked as you all made your way toward the club, the girls frequented each week.

“Maybe it’s because you finally stopped hounding the poor girl every single week to join us before she was ready, Rach.” Mia quipped as she linked her arm through yours and gave you a warm smile. Of the three, she was the one you felt most at ease with and were able to open up to. At least about some things. None of the girls were aware of your relationship, or lack thereof, with a certain Mr. Solomons.

Rachel huffed as she walked a few steps ahead with Edna. “Yeah yeah, you ask once, and she agrees. I was just bein’ friendly since she was the new face in the factory. Plus, it’s been three years! Surely that was more than enough time. I’m just really glad you finally decided to give us all a chance outside of work, Y/N.” She said giving you the first genuine smile you have seen cross her lovely face.

You were grateful for these girls. This may have been the first-time spent with them outside of the factory but while working you don’t think you ever laughed so hard in your life except the early years in your relationship with Alfie. You missed that. The carefree feeling of just enjoying someone else’s company and laughing about the most ridiculous things such as the antics Rachel got into with the guy who lived down the street from her. 

Edna was the quietest of the bunch, but she was probably the sweetest of them. She always brought extra food and treats she made to share with the other girls. If you needed someone to cover your shift, she volunteered no questions asked. The girls were the complete opposite of one another, but they complimented each other so well and you were glad you finally sucked it up and joined them in their Friday night fun.

“I think you’ll like it here, Y/N. It’s a great spot to unwind. The music and drinks are great. And the guys never bother you too much.” Edna said.

“Unless you want them to, of course.” Rachel remarked with a smirk on her face.

Mia shook her head as she pulled you closer as you all walked through the door together. You couldn’t deny walking through the club that it was absolutely beautiful. Even in the dim lighting, the colors that flowed through the room gave off a very calming, romantic vibe. The music was absolutely beautiful. A pang of sadness flowed through you at a sudden memory of you and Alfie dancing the day of your wedding. One of the best days of your life and you wished you could go back to that day and maybe do things differently following it.

Shaking your head, you smiled at the girls as you all scoot your way into the booth. Right away Rachel ordered drinks for the table even though you had no intention of drinking much tonight. The girls were giggling about another one of Rachel’s stories as you took small sips of the whiskey she pushed in front of you.

You were taking in the vibe of the room; people dancing to the music, women laughing at something their date said, the musicians playing instruments and so on. It was a good idea, you thought, coming out with the girls. Maybe you were a little too quiet, but it felt good being out with people again. Even if it felt like something was missing.

_He was missing._

Laughing at Rachel trying to pull Edna closer to the music for a dance, you felt a shift in the air. You didn’t know what it was but judging by the looks on some of the peoples’ faces, you knew something was up. Shrugging your shoulders, you took one last sip from your glass as you felt Mia nudge you. You arched your brow as if to ask what was wrong.

“Looks like trouble tonight.” She said as her head bobbed toward something happening behind you.

“Does that mean we should leave?” You asked sadly at the thought of the night possibly ending too soon.

Shaking her head, Mia replied, “Nah. Don’t think so but if he’s here it must mean someone fucked up. Did ya want another drink, Y/N?”

“Yeah, why not.”

Mia left the table to get more drinks leaving you there by yourself even though the bar was maybe 5-steps away from the booth. Because you were curious who she meant by “he,” you couldn’t help turning in your seat to get a glimpse at whoever this man was. From the sound of it, he was pretty important and wasn’t to be messed with.

It felt like ice filled your veins as you turned never thinking he would be the person Mia was referring to. But, how stupid could you be? You were still in Camden Town and no other person had more power or control of it than Alfie. You froze as you stared like a deer in headlights watching him grip another man up while, you assumed, threatening him about whatever he had done.

He looked the same as the day you left, so handsome and like a fuzzy bear you just wanted to hug forever, but you could see so much anger in him you never once saw on his face before. Guilt filled you suddenly as you continued blaming yourself every day for what you did to him.

You turned around so fast as he looked up. Hoping like hell he didn’t see you because you had no clue what would happen. What was taking Mia so long? Looking over toward the bar, you saw she was talking to the bartender about a lot more than just drinks it seemed. You looked around for Rachel and Edna, but that was a lost cause because you could see they were having too much fun dancing to the music. You were stuck silently praying he hadn’t seen you for that brief second. Even though all you wanted was to talk to him.

You sighed as you decided maybe you’ll just meet Mia at the bar and at least get your drink. Running away seemed to be what you did best. Sliding out of the booth, your exit was blocked by a cane.

_That cane._

Looking up into those eyes you fell in love with, it felt like time froze around you. You didn’t know whether to cry or smile. You voted for cry because even after what you did, you couldn’t place the look in his eyes but he wasn’t looking at you like he hated you. Not even a little bit.

“Hmm”

“Hi Alfie,” you spoke nervously. So badly you wanted to call him ‘Fie’ but, you lost that right the moment you left.

“Right, what are you doing here?” He asked in an accusatory tone looking around the booth for any hints.

You were a bit confused that that was his first question to you in three years. But you weren’t about to question him about it.

“Just here with a few friends to unwind after the long work week.”

You didn’t miss the look that crossed his face at your answer. “Unwind, right. So, you chose my club to do just that, yeah?”

What in the world was he getting at? It sounded like he was just trying to pick a fight with you for whatever reason.

“I wasn’t aware this was your club, Alfie. Someone else picked this spot and it’s a rather nice one if you ask me.”

“Well, that is good to know, innit? I am glad this place suits you and your friends’ needs.” He said while making a dramatic show of waving his hands around.

While he wasn’t screaming at you or ignoring you completely, you couldn’t understand the reason for his behavior right now. He almost looked hysterical as he kept going.

“So, where’s the bloke, hm? I guess I can’t be too surprised since it’s been three years, right?” He asked looking around the place wild eyed.

“Alfie, what are you talking about? I’m here with a few girls from work.” You asked as you were still sat in the booth looking up at him.

“Sure, then where are they, hmm? Why are you sat here all alone as if you’re waiting for someone to return?”

You suddenly felt like crying again because this was your fault too. The first time seeing each other in three years and Alfie’s ready to pop a vein in his forehead over the thought of you replacing him with someone else. How could you ever think to do that? Especially when you were still technically married?

“Fie,” you spoke softly while cautiously grabbing one of his hands in yours. “Mia is over by the bar getting us more drinks but obviously got too wrapped up in whatever the bartender has to say. Rachel and Edna are too busy making fools of themselves with everyone else dancing. I’m not here with anyone else, promise.”

He looked down at your hands a moment before another frown crossed his face.

“You made a promise before to never leave me, dinnit ya?” He scoffed but didn’t make a move to pull his hand away from yours.

That crushed you all over again. As if you ever got over it in the three years you had to think about everything. You knew you could spend forever apologizing to Alfie, but it would never be enough. At least not to you.

“Do you think, maybe, we could talk for a bit, Alfie?” You bit your lip nervously. You were a ball of nerves because you really didn’t know how this could all go. So badly you wanted things to go well but you’d understand otherwise. What else could you expect after everything?

He sighed at your question letting you know the answer would be no. Better to have tried, you thought to yourself.

“Got some business I need to take care of, yeah?” He said before pausing to see the look on your face drop and he almost wanted to kick himself for it even though a very small part of him thought you deserved it after what you did to him.

_Even if it wasn’t all of your fault._

“Ah, it’s okay, Alfie. It was just good to see you again. Really good.” You spoke with a sad smile on your face as tears started forming in your eyes, you hope he couldn’t see.

Squeezing your hand gently, he cleared his throat. “Should be finished early. How about I swing by then?”

A smile so big crossed your face for the first time in years as you nodded your head at him.

“I’d like that a lot.”

“Right then. ISHMAEL!” He shouted as he pulled away and made his way toward the door and left.

The breath you hadn’t realize you were holding in left you. And then came the tears. Tears because you were so overwhelmed from seeing him again. Tears because you couldn’t believe Alfie didn’t completely brush you off or turn down your wish to see him later.

You didn’t realize you were practically sobbing out loud until you felt Mia kneel before you holding your hands asking what happened and why Alfie Solomons approached you like that. Knowing you couldn’t lie or keep things about that part of your life from her any longer, you completely blubbered to her about that night three years ago and your relationship with the man you missed more than anything else in this world.

Bracing yourself for the worst, you bit your lip as you took in the look on Mia’s face. She looked shocked more than anything else, which was to be expected you thought considering the reputation the man held especially after you left. 

Mia looked like a fish as she tried to formulate a response to what you told her. Trying to grasp the fact that a woman such as yourself; kind, sweet and caring amongst many other things, was in anyway associated with the likes of a man like Alfie Solomons.

“You were married to THAT man?” She finally asked.

You laughed as you moved into the booth so she could sit properly. “Yes, in fact I’m still technically his wife.”

“How?”

A sad smile crossed your face as your mind flashed with so many memories you had with Alfie. There were so many good times that outweighed any of the bad moments in your relationship. You always wished you had thought about those before you made the decision to just up and leave.

“No one saw the man that I did for so many years. He was loving, more than anyone could ever imagine. He paid attention to the little things and would always use those to put a smile on my face. And man, could he make me laugh with the most ridiculous things that would come out of that mouth of his. He was perfect, Mia. Absolutely perfect and I fucked it up.” You sighed as you felt more tears forming.

She pulled you in a tight hug and gently swayed as you let the tears fall.

“It seems to me you may have a chance to fix that, sweetie. I think it’s about time we all head out soon anyway.” She said as she nodded toward Rachel and Edna giggling their way over to the booth.

You all grabbed your coats and piled out of the club. Though it had been an emotional night for you so far, you were happy you decided to join the girls. They were just as much fun as they were at work, if not more. You thought maybe this was the universe’s way of giving you another chance. Because what are the chances the club you ended up going to would be Alfie’s or that you would even run into him at the same time? You didn’t know who to thank but you were grateful and really hoped something good would come of this opportunity. 

It was just before 10 when you made it back to your home. You paced the living room as your thoughts ran. Should you change or put water on for tea? Would he be hungry? What time was early to him? Would he even show at all? You sat on the sofa to try and get a hold of yourself before you passed out. This was Alfie, not someone new. You knew him or so you thought. A lot could have changed in three years.

You let out a squeal as you heard a knock at the door. Taking a deep breath, you moved to open the door.

_He looked so good still, if not even better._

“Hi Alfie.” You spoke softly as you opened the door wider for him to walk in.

He gave you a nod and hum as he stopped in the middle of the living room standing in front of the small fireplace. Nervously you started twisting your hands as you stared at his back thinking maybe this wasn’t going to go the way you hoped after all.

“Did you want me to hang your coat up so we could maybe sit in the kitchen for a bit? Or sit here and have some tea or something?”

He scoffed but never moved from his spot in front of the fireplace.

“Three years I spent trying to hate you, dinnit I?” He started. “Three long fuckin’ years, love. Then there you are, showin’ up in my own club makin’ me forget what you did, yeah? Makin’ me forget how you stomped out the bit of heart I had left.”

“I’m sorry, Alfie.” You whispered looking down at your feet feeling absolutely ashamed for what you did all over again.

“Yeah, I bet you are, aren’t ya?” He mumbled as he turned and made his way toward you in one quick movement.

Even though he was right there in front of you, you didn’t dare look up into those eyes that you loved in fear of what you would see. You closed your eyes wanting to kick yourself for thinking this would have a better ending. The fact he agreed to see you fooled you into a false sense of security.

“I really am sorry, Fie. I’ve missed you. So fuckin’ much. And I know nothing can take back that night or fix it but I’ve regretted it ever since.” You were trying so hard to keep the tears and sobs in as you started replaying that night in the kitchen all over again and how much of a monster you were to him.

Suddenly you felt his fingers lift your chin to look up at him, but you refused to open your eyes. You bit your lip as the tears just kept coming. It felt so good having his touch on you again and being so close you could smell him. A scent you always wanted to drown yourself in because it felt safe. It felt like home.

_Home._

“Love, look at me.”

You were expecting him to be angry or disgusted. But if it was possible the look in his eyes killed you even more. He was looking at you in the same way he used to before you left. His eyes held so much love in them. Love you didn’t deserve anymore.

“Why didn’t you just stay then, hmm? We could’ve fixed it.”

“I was so unhappy, Fie. I missed you and you were never around when I needed you. It felt like we were just going around in circles and nothing was being fixed. And after saying all of that, I didn’t think I deserved to stay.”

“So, you ran? What sense did that make?” He laughed sarcastically.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him as you pulled his hand from your face and hold it between yours. “None, I know that, Fie. None of what I’ve done has made any sense. I’ve only ruined everything.”

There was a pause as you both stared at one another. Three years without seeing his face and now you never wanted to look away again. A look flashed across Alfie’s face as if something was suddenly bothering him. 

“What is it?” You asked nervously.

His eyes almost looked black as a scowl took over his face. “You really never messed about with any blokes since that night, hmm?”

You almost wanted to laugh at this jealousy but you felt guilt because you knew he was thinking if you left your home with him then would it be too ridiculous to assume you’d lay with another man?

Touching his face softly and running your fingers through that beard you missed the feel of so much, you replied, “Fie, there will never be anyone else but you for me. Never.”

He closed his eyes at the sensation.

“Come home.” He whispered so softly you barely heard him. You didn’t deserve him. Not when you first met him and definitely not now. You expected the worst when you first laid your eyes on him at the club.

“Fie…”

“I don’t care what you think, yeah. I can’t stand being in that place without you. It hasn’t felt right since you left. We can fix this.” He said as he looked into your eyes pleading with you.

“I miss you, love. WE miss you.”

You sobbed then thinking about how you left Cyril too. So many things ruined that night and for what? Running had not solved anything; it just made all those feelings even worse. This time would be different. You would make it work because a life without Alfie Solomons at all was a life you couldn’t bear living ever again.

You wrapped your arms around Alfie’s neck squeezing him so tightly. When his arms wrapped just as tightly around you, a shudder left you at how good it felt being in his arms again after so long.

“Are you sure, Fie? After everything?”

“Ya really gonna let me suffer another night of Cyril whining and howling because he misses you? The mutt’s been relentless, hasn’t he?”

Smiling to yourself, you knew who Alfie was really talking about. May lightning strike you down if you ever have a thought of leaving Alfie and his safe, warm arms again like you did.

“We can’t have any of that, now can we?”

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all feedback is appreciated!


End file.
